Stories of Life: Domestic violence

The following article was written by Marij Uijt den Bogaard , a former social worker working for the Antwerp municipality. She was fired after writing reports warning about radicalization in the Muslim community. The article originally appeared on Brussels Journal in Dutch.

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Fatima looks embittered.

'You're so naive,' she says, 'tell that to the marines, that goes for you!"

Fatima is a good story-teller, and the subject is the meaning of marriage in traditional Islam; she talks about overcrowded refuge homes with an ever growing representation of her sisters, Muslim women, escaping the violence and severe conflicts inside families. The women are homeless and end up in refuge homes; where they now make up 53% of the inhabitants.

A Muslim background often plays an important role in violence and severe conflicts inside 'immigrant' families, as a result of the Muslim notion of marriage in traditional Islam. According to Fatima Muslim marriage for most immigrant women is a final destination. And this is nothing more or less than a business contract. It entails a certain number of rights and duties, for the husband as well as for the wife, she explains. Children are part of this contract.

Women coming here (the Netherlands) via marriage, grew up in villages with a traditional way of living. Existence knew in the homelands little stimuli for development. No luxury or comfort. Women come to our country because of the difference in prosperity, away from the futureless villages.

For Muslims marriage is obligatory. Thus, if it comes to marriage, then preferably with a man who can offer a leather 3-piece suite, car and washing-machine. So they come and marry, have children, as part of the contract, an arranged marriage. They are not accustomed to think for themselves. Where should they have learned that? Everything is fixed in advance for women in the traditional Islamic village life. Survival depends upon development of qualities like obedience to the parents, Koran and later the husband, performing one's obligations.

From birth to death others regulate her life. Love? That will come later, when children are born. Or not, and then mothers see children as a burden, an inevitable part of the contract. In a loveless marriage upbringing is limited to giving primary care. In traditionally arranged marriages, concluded only for economic reasons, this is too often the case. Primary care means clothes, food and shelter. Affection and giving an education is not included.

As long as the whole family behaves inside its own subgroup , the virtual village in Antwerp North, Borgerhout or other suburbs requiring "particular attention" (aandachtwijk), where many import-brides from traditional villages land, all is well. There's a taboo about problems like violence inside traditional Islamic families. Everyone knows about it, "you" as well as "we", Fatima says.

Is the above mentioned story about an Islamic marriage and its connection with domestic violence stigmatizing? Do I want to insult? No, this description of the situation of women from Turkish and Moroccan origin comes from the many Fatimas I have talked to during my fieldwork in one of the area's for special attention. Their sisters overcrowd the refuge homes, just like the situation is in the Netherlands. Through often arranged marriages, blinded by the leather 3-piece suite, Fatima's sisters land here in Flanders. Within our Flemish cities there are several virtual villages where the prevailing opinions and life patterns are the same as those in the Rif mountains or in the Turkish countryside.

The Fatima's never learned there to stand up for themselves, or to insist on equal rights. Self-determination does not exist. Islam decides what is the role and duty or protection of a women. Her life and the quality of her life is dependent on her husband and nothing can change that, not even in Borgerhout of Antwerp North. The husband rules over her right for self determination. He decides whether she may or may not go out, and that also goes for getting a driving license or making a trip to the other side of the town. Her freedom is for him to decide. And how about it, if Fatima wants more?

Then, sooner than in a Flemish family, physical violence may occur. Because Islam opens it up for interpretation, leaves the possibility open. And it is allowed by her direct social environment.

Does this mean that every Muslim husband beats his wife? No, of course not, but it does mean that a little to many Muslims do. Refuge homes are overcrowded! It also means that Muslims justify this as allowed by the Prophet, Koran, imam and Islam. Whenever they address Flemings or the media, spokesmen of the Muslim condemn this, of course. But this does not mean that they urge revision of sexist texts of the Koran within their own subgroups. Nor preventive campaigns are organized against violence on women by immigrant moderates.

In an interview with The Brussels Journal, Theodore Dalrymple already put his finger on the fact that inside our western society there are groups of people living in a totalitarian climate. God forbid that we allow totalitarian enclaves to grow in Flanders! If we do tolerate this, these enclaves will flood us, and we will loose our freedom. So we should not evade the discussion with the traditional Muslims about the results of economical migration via marriage and domestic violence on the grounds of the set phrases and contra-arguments. We do not want to stigmatise, but we know that Fatima is right. Marriage-migration comes down to economic aspects and leads to overcrowded refuge homes with women seeking refuge against serious conflicts and domestic violence. Result of arranged marriages on economic grounds, with an increase of every form of social underprivileged poverty, as appear from school drop-outs, poor positions on the labour market and overcrowded sanctuaries.

Of course, women in the virtual villages talk among themselves about these and other problems.

Once a young woman with headscarf asked my advice. Her husband used co come home in the most impossible hours and then dinner had to be ready, or she risked a severe admonition to hurry up! The Islamic advice of one of her sisters was: in the first place read the Koran often, and kindly but restrictedly draw the attention if her husband to the fact that he ought to behave like a good Muslim and that her opinion should be observed also. And above all, pray to Allah.

I hope that women in the refuge homes see the difference between Flemish assistance, based on legal rights, and Islamic advice. For this difference is a socially important discussion, as spokesmen of all sorts and conditions of men undoubtedly will claim that those overcrowded refuge homes came into being because the normal assistance did not sufficiently take into account the cultural background of Muslims in general. In other words: again society is to blame, the threshold for assistance is too high! Assistance ought to be more directed on islamic customs? For the sake of women, I hope not!

We dare not breathe a word about reality, when husbands slap women because dinner is not ready on the table. He can do that, she should read the Koran mentioning that right. We also don't say that assistance is especially not accessible because it lies outside the virtual village.

Without a proper knowledge of language, it is difficult to travel independently. For that reason social support that openly disapproves of violence always remains unattainable for the women who, fleeing domestic violence of traditional Muslims, land homeless in refuge homes.

Whenever the media report these problems, they immediately put the finger on questions of exclusion from the labour market and housing. Nobody ever mentions the low level of independence of these women, their low education, their restricted knowledge of language, limiting their chances for a job, and their growing numbers in social housing. They always point to society and the holy trinity of discrimination, racism and exclusion. Never to the influence of Islamic, traditional culture and convictions in the family and the life of women. Even less do they mention the social responsibility we all bear.

Apart from overcrowded refuge homes, as a result of our tolerance, helpless people are killed. Five children, victims of a mad woman who, according to her sister in the media could not cope with the lovelessness of her contract. And a father, who did not understand what is was all about, in light of his absence during a month in Morocco. Who wishes this fate to a parent, be it a father or a mother? Nobody.

But what do we do, so tolerant as we are. We look the other way! Sure of our business – understanding culture and convictions is good – fits into the leftist way of thinking. Whoever disagrees with this, is completely wrong, is at the least a dung-beetle or a racist. "Violence is not at all colour-bound, is no exception in all sorts of families", says the Left-wing. Yes, true, but not with approval of the social environment or based upon fundamental disparity, seen out of convictions as a right of the man over the women.

Of course we do not point our finger to a deeply distressed man, who lost five of his children, or to the connection between culture and convictions. And certainly not to the possible connection with this hypothesis and the mother's action, who took her children with her on her voyage to death. Human grief never has a colour. But that does not free us from our social responsibility to put this theme on the agenda. To resist taboos on what can or can not be discussed. And to form, starting from a realistic view, a correct image about cause and consequence. About the position of women inside traditional Islam and overcrowded refuge homes. Past the spokesmen and tittering women with headscarves and wisecracks, claiming that this "is not Islam". For it most certainly is, in light of reality. Others Fatima is right when she says "tell this to the marines".
Time for a little less naivety and more openness about the rules of the game in our society, applied to everybody, regardless of origin and above every ideology.

Source: Brussels Journal (Dutch)

See also: Stories of Life: Speaking Dutch, Stories of Life: Working with a Moroccan Colleague